1. The date went well. I think she might like me. I can’t be sure though. I’m not as good as any of the girls and guys she will meet over the next few months.

    I’m scared that it’s only a matter of time before I am reminded that I’m worthless.

    I can say more than that.


  2. So tomorrow is happening… Going on a date… For the first time in 6 years… Wish me luck…


  3. A question I’m asking myself more and more everyday is…

    "Do you reblog what you like, or what you think Amy would want you to like?"


  4. And I know her friends, they wouldn’t like me because I’m too weird or far too ugly. If I don’t fuck it up, she’ll realise there’s someone better…


  5. She’s 19. I’m 23.

    She’s a new student, probably looking for young men her age, less trouble by bills, council tax and responsibility. Someone laid back, without the stress of work, self esteem issues and debilitating mental illness.

    I am still going to go on this date, but shit. I am in a dark, dark place at the moment. A dark place that I am forcing a smile through to the point where my stomach is in immense pain, my spots are getting worse and my back and side muscles are constantly tense and tight no matter how much I stretch.

    Shit is a word.

    3 years without anyone. First ‘first date’ in 6 years and it had to be with the most beautiful woman I have ever know, who is younger than I, smarter than I and all in all, may be looking for more than I could ever give her.

    This will not end well.


  6. I have no fucking clue how I’m going to date a girl who’s as amazing and beautiful as Amy. I’m in way over my head here… Way fucking over my head…


  7. She’s 19. I’m 23.

    I should call off this date. She won’t want to be with me…


  8. So she posted how it’s been a while since she had sex and she’s looking forwaard to going to uni because she’ll have sex and stuff. Standard, but then I think. ‘wouldn’t she be hopeful of having sex if she thought she was going to have sex with me… Wait… She doesn’t. After this date she’s just going to want to be friends… Oh shit..’

    I should call off this date… It’s hopeless.


  9. My libido is slowly falling apart. In two years, I haven’t even held hands with a woman, let alone had sex… The part of my brain that get’s aroused isn’t working at all sometimes. I haven’t masturbated in a week… I don’t really want to… What’s wrong with me?


  10. Anonymous said: Where's the poetry? What you write is so good

    Oh thanks! I’m really glad you like it =]  I’m trying not to let things get to me, depression and anxiety, and it’s when I’m hit by that that I write poetry. But like I said, I’m trying to fight it all away so I’m less inspired to rant ’n’ rave in verse. It’s a good sign for my mental health, but my creativity suffers =[

    Thanks again for complimenting my writing though, means a great deal to me!


  11. I wish I wasn’t alone tonight.

    Tagged #help me

  12. I don’t think Amy finds me attractive… I saw pictures of guys I know being reblogged today by my followers. They were adding comments like ‘unf’ and one person said ‘please excuse me while I swoon’.

    No one’s ever said that about me. I’ve been called ugly more times than I can put a number on, almost every day between the age of 6 and 16 and a lot of times between then and now (23).

    An anon was messaging me, telling me they thought I was attractive but never had the guts to tell me. They used a little emoticon ( :# ). The only person who really uses those when they message me is Amy…

    Turns out it isn’t her…

    The only person who face to face told me I was attractive, left me 3 years later for a front man in a rock band. So really, she lied to me, I was just there to keep the seat warm for someone else, excuse the expression but it fits the purpose…

    I feel so alone right now… I feel so ugly… I wish I wasn’t alone. I just wish someone would be here with me and hold me and just tell me that everything is okay… I want everything to be okay…


  13. Ironically, I just spent quite some time chatting with Amy, just about random nerdy stuff… But it was enough to make me feel better, make me feel that maybe she is interested in me, despite my failings… All the while I was on the phone to a nurse who was calming me down, bringing me back from the edge again.

    Sometimes, hey is just hey, a cigar is just a cigar and anxiety is just an evil shadow planting ideas in your head that shouldn’t exist. 


  14. A message that just contains ‘hey’ is never, ever good.

    I don’t think we should date.

    I met someone else.

    It would be better if we stayed friends.

    Your anxiety issues seem to be a real problem.

    I’m sorry but you're not my type.

    Hey, is never good.


  15. It’s funny. Amy is sitting there happy, probably online with the reasonable dark lord talking about Dr Who and music, Lottie is probably doing the same for the man she left me for.

    I’m sitting at my desk. Bleeding from cuts I’ve made deep in my waist, drinking scotch and laying out pills… Thinking whether I should call an ambulance or take my own life.

    Everyone is happy tonight.