1. Anonymous said: Where's the poetry? What you write is so good

    Oh thanks! I’m really glad you like it =]  I’m trying not to let things get to me, depression and anxiety, and it’s when I’m hit by that that I write poetry. But like I said, I’m trying to fight it all away so I’m less inspired to rant ’n’ rave in verse. It’s a good sign for my mental health, but my creativity suffers =[

    Thanks again for complimenting my writing though, means a great deal to me!


  2. I wish I wasn’t alone tonight.

    Tagged #help me

  3. I don’t think Amy finds me attractive… I saw pictures of guys I know being reblogged today by my followers. They were adding comments like ‘unf’ and one person said ‘please excuse me while I swoon’.

    No one’s ever said that about me. I’ve been called ugly more times than I can put a number on, almost every day between the age of 6 and 16 and a lot of times between then and now (23).

    An anon was messaging me, telling me they thought I was attractive but never had the guts to tell me. They used a little emoticon ( :# ). The only person who really uses those when they message me is Amy…

    Turns out it isn’t her…

    The only person who face to face told me I was attractive, left me 3 years later for a front man in a rock band. So really, she lied to me, I was just there to keep the seat warm for someone else, excuse the expression but it fits the purpose…

    I feel so alone right now… I feel so ugly… I wish I wasn’t alone. I just wish someone would be here with me and hold me and just tell me that everything is okay… I want everything to be okay…


  4. Ironically, I just spent quite some time chatting with Amy, just about random nerdy stuff… But it was enough to make me feel better, make me feel that maybe she is interested in me, despite my failings… All the while I was on the phone to a nurse who was calming me down, bringing me back from the edge again.

    Sometimes, hey is just hey, a cigar is just a cigar and anxiety is just an evil shadow planting ideas in your head that shouldn’t exist. 


  5. A message that just contains ‘hey’ is never, ever good.

    I don’t think we should date.

    I met someone else.

    It would be better if we stayed friends.

    Your anxiety issues seem to be a real problem.

    I’m sorry but you're not my type.

    Hey, is never good.


  6. It’s funny. Amy is sitting there happy, probably online with the reasonable dark lord talking about Dr Who and music, Lottie is probably doing the same for the man she left me for.

    I’m sitting at my desk. Bleeding from cuts I’ve made deep in my waist, drinking scotch and laying out pills… Thinking whether I should call an ambulance or take my own life.

    Everyone is happy tonight. 


  7. reblog something of his she reblogged.

    reblog something that shows how artistic and music he is.

    reblog something about him that she probably loves.

    pretend. pretend. pretend.

    I want to kill myself tonight.

    I may kill myself tonight.

    it would make her happy, not to worry abut a monster being in love wither her…

    and no one will ever have to deal with my disgusting stench again.

    i want to kill myself tonight.


  8. He likes Dr Who. The guy who probably likes Amy as well, who is better looking than me, who is more taleneted and more handsome. Whiter than me and smarter than me and younger than me… He likes Dr. Who and is probably watching it with her…

    I don’t like it… It’s just not my cup of tea.

    I know it’ a stupid thing to get upset over but I was beaten up when I was a kid for not liking what everyoine else likes. I was mae to efeel stupid and usuless because I liked different things. In the end, a woman I lived more than anything left me because I wans’t taletented enough, and didn’t like all the things she wanted me to.

    And this guy… The ‘reasonable dark lord’… he’s better than me. before I even get the chance she’ll fall for him and I’ll be alone…


    I need to cut myself. I need to beed out into the bath. I need to hang from a ceiling I need to OD, I need a line, I need to die. Someone please FUCKING KILL ME!!!!!!


  9. I’m trying too hard to get her attention. So she ignores me. Like everyone else…

    And starving myself won’t make it better. But I’m punishing myself for being ugly, spotty and a fat, useless disgusting slob.

    I hope I die tonight.


  10. My mind today...

    1. Thoughts: He likes her too.
    2. Me: Yes.
    3. Thoughts: He's better than you.
    4. Me: Yes.
    5. Thoughts: Just like everyone else.
    6. Me: Yes.
    7. Thoughts: Kill yourself.
    8. Me: ... Yes.

  11. I hate how low my libdo is right now. Nothing is getting me ‘there’. It’s been weeks since I relieved myself - but everytime I try, my mind focuses on the fact that it’s been two years since I’ve had the real thing…

    I hate how depression has turned me into an ugly, sexless monster…


  12. To the Woman I Love


    You don’t make me depressed. You make me happy. You make me feel alive, I actually feel like I am breathing, like blood is going through my body, my heart is pumping and my muscles are being used and every sense in my body is sensitive to the slightest breeze. I think of you and I am human.

    It’s not you that makes me depressed. I’ve been alone for 3 years and I don’t know how to handle these feelings, I don’t know how to express them, and furthermore, I was left for someone else. 3 years ago I loved someone with all my heart and she looked at me after 3 years together and decided that I wasn’t good enough for her anymore and she left me. 

    3 years on, I am alone, the same look she gave me, that I was too ugly, too fat, too hairy, too nerdy, too depressed, too ugly… I get that look everyday, and everywhere I go.

    It’s been 3 years since then, so the idea that someone as beautiful, smart, brave, charming, funny and magicas you could find me, well… Could see something in me… It scares me. Not because of you, but because I don’t know how to not be alone. I don’t know how to have someone love me and I don’t know how to not be a monster.

    But I do know that I am so in love with you… So much that it scares me yes… But I’ll live through the fear if it means I get to feel human again.

    (Even if you were Glaswegian)


  13. Now I’m worried. That because I’ve been trying to stay cool, not message her and keep a distance, she thinks there’s something wrong with her…

    Shit… I don’t know what to do…


  14. The only thing keeping me away from her blog, and from refreshing my inbox is sleep. So I’ve been asleep all day…

    It’s given me a headache. I need a cup of tea.


  15. Love is the Worst kind of Drug

    Again and again you return to it.

    Just one more look at her beautiful face. Let me refresh one more time and see if she’s messaged me… Has she mentioned me on her blog. F5, F5, F5.

    Love is the drug. A key is the applicator. The syringe.

    And you know it’s killing you, but an hour without a taste is an indescribable discomfort. 

    F5. Let me see her one more time.